


Lifelong Obsession

by helens78



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-19
Updated: 2006-01-19
Packaged: 2017-10-05 20:04:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helens78/pseuds/helens78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus develops an obsession at Hogwarts that shapes most of his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lifelong Obsession

Severus knows he should turn around and leave, but he can't. Not even when Lucius glances up and spots him. Lucius _smiles_ then, right at him, and Severus shuts his mouth and takes off for his dorm. Narcissa's too busy to notice.

Days later, he's still thinking about it. He plays it over in his head and always comes up with the same image: him on his knees, not Narcissa. A grin from Lucius that's _real_.

The years after Lucius leaves are worse. Where Lucius was only smug, Lupin and Black and Potter are cruel. And the minute Lupin realizes Severus watches him more closely than he watches the others, he makes sure Severus gets an eyeful of him with Black every time the opportunity's there. He smiles, too, every time Severus runs into them. He laughs every time Severus has to stumble away.

The idea of Lucius gets better now that he's stuck with Lupin and the others. Would Lucius have been any less cruel if he'd been here? Probably not; Severus is a half-blood, and Lucius hated Muggles. But it might have been better than what Severus is left with, and the possibility leaves him room to fantasize.

Severus's fantasies never die off. They simply lie in wait. This one waits years, until his Mark is burned in the same way Lucius's is, and when Voldemort's left his symbol on Severus's skin Severus feels _triumph_. Half-blood he might be, but he's good enough for the Dark Lord.

And good enough for Lucius. It starts with Severus on his knees, but it doesn't stay one-sided for long. Severus gets to see Lucius's lips wrapped around his prick, Lucius bracing himself against the wall while Severus fucks him. If only he'd say something. _Anything._ Damn the man -- Severus wants _words_.

He never gets them. No matter how many nights he spends in Lucius's bed while Narcissa's God-knows-where, Lucius doesn't give Severus what he wants. Even Voldemort can't give him that.

Resentment's a sour taste, not at all what Severus wanted. He starts wondering where he'll be when the war is won. Lucius's silence is damning. _You'll never be good enough to be more than a pureblood's whore. Well done, Severus._

Going back to Dumbledore hurts. But it's the best revenge. Malfoy's pet half-breed taking down the Dark Lord and everyone who stands with him? How sweet _that's_ going to be.

Only it isn't. Oh, the Dark Lord falls, but what does it do to Lucius? Almost nothing. He doesn't even seem bothered enough to curse at Severus when they pass each other by; he doesn't even sneer. And Severus has no friends left; no one trusts him except for Dumbledore. Small comfort, when he's spending a dozen years alone.

When the werewolf comes back, it's another insult on top of years of injury. Severus brews his damned potion and ignores Remus's attempts to make amends. Where was this attention when Severus gave a damn? _Too late, Lupin. Far too late._

The Dark Lord's return is a second chance on all sides. Prove himself to Dumbledore's allies once and for all? Or join the Death Eaters and -- no, to blazes with the Death Eaters. All he cares about is seeing Lucius again. The night he goes back he says everything he has to say, withstands all the pain he needs to, and the only thing on his mind is Lucius and whether he'll taste the way he did all those years ago. It is not one of his proudest revelations.

Lucius takes him back, of course. Severus never really doubted that he would. When Voldemort's finished with him, Lucius takes him home. He's hungrier than Severus remembers; Severus could almost believe Lucius has missed him. Almost.

Afterwards, when Severus is getting dressed, Lucius finally has words.

"It was my fault. I drove you away. Forgive me."

Severus is deliberate in not meeting Lucius's eyes; it doesn't take skill in Legilimency to know those words weren't independently devised. _So I'm that important,_ he thinks, and part of him is glad.

"There's no need to talk of forgiveness," he murmurs. And whether any of this is real or not, perhaps it's good enough.

_-end-_


End file.
